TCGB - The CareGivers Blog

Mom's gone

2012-01-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

8:45 this morning, Mom peacefully passed away in her sleep ... I'm walking around and talking to people, but I feel so disconnected and empty. Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her and hear her voice. I don't know that I've ever missed someone this much. She was always the goodness in my life ... she was always there ... I can't imagine filling this hole I feel inside me.

Rest in peace, Mom ... you deserve it. I will always love you.

Rough night

2012-01-24T11:14:00.000-05:00

I was awake with mom most of the night ... my older sister's been sleeping beside her for the past few nights, so we decided to let me do it again for a while ... she's been great and she deserves a rest. Her husband wants her to come home but I'm so proud of her for standing up to him and sticking to her gut feelings ... cuz I know how awful she would feel if she wasn't here at the end for mom ... and for herself. He said he couldn't understand how she and I are able to "just watch your mom die" ... it's sad that he sees it that way, but we all have our beliefs and I try not to judge.

Anyway ... on to why I was awake so much last nite....

Mom has started this new thing ... wildly waving her arms in the air ... and she doesn't want to be touched and certainly not restrained .... and she keeps rolling her head from side to side ... she seems more aggravated than in pain, but I suppose it's a combination of the two. But she definitely isn't happy and peaceful when she does this. The Hospice nurse (whose been more like a family member than a professional, and I mean that in a good way ... a very good way ... she's wonderful) came here first thing this morning and we made some medication adjustments and now, thank God, she's sleeping peacefully again. But, that was a pretty spiritual experience for me ... mom's arm waving almost looks like she's trying to hug someone or grab something and I don't see fear so I don't think she's afraid of what's ahead of her ... I see more aggravation and stress cuz she's not quite able to reach that destination yet.

So I told her she doesn't have to stay here for us ... It's OK for her to go on her way and we will take care of each other.

The Hospice people never want to tell you their opinion about how long mom will last ... but this morning when the nurse was here, she talked less about weeks and months and more about days or possibly a week.

When I was a psychotherapist and had many clients whose mothers had been horrors, I learned to appreciate my mom ... though she was in no way perfect, she was way better than a lot of others. When I was a stupid, know-it-all teenager I thought she was weak and had little respect for her ... and she thought I was this obnoxious, bossy rebel whose goal in life was to prove something to her ... thank God she and I lived long enough to see that she was right and I was so very wrong.

Heading into the next stage ...

2012-01-23T14:47:00.002-05:00

Mom's party went really well ... she was awake for over 2 hours and really did seem to be aware that it was her party. She even stuck her finger in her birthday cake and licked the icing. My younger sister left the next day to go back to California ... she said her goodbye to mom since we are pretty sure she won't see her again.

My older sister is still here with me and mom and we were thinking she might go home tomorrow for a couple days ... but today we are seeing some changes in mom that make us think she may be moving into the next stage of this journey. She's waving her arms in the air a lot and she's not really fully waking up when we sit with her ... and, most importantly, she is refusing food and drink.

Fortunately, she seems very comfortable ... unless we disturb her, so we are trying to leave her alone as much as possible. She is definitely disengaging from this world and we need to let her do that.

But, damn, this is hard. Everything in me wants to grab her and try to pull her back into this world.

Mom's 95th birthday picture with her girls:

Gettin' ready for the party

2012-01-20T14:57:00.000-05:00

Today, my two sisters and I are getting ready for mom's 95th birthday party tomorrow. Her birthday really isn't until Feb 15 but we decided to have it early so she's still somewhat able to appreciate it and her friends and family can stop by to see her.

So, today is cleaning and planning ... I am SO glad my sisters are here for this ... my older sister is dusting and polishing, etc. ... and my younger sister is planning the menu ... me? I'm cleaning the toilets ... LOL ... that's my specialty, I guess. And mom is sleeping peacefully thru it all.

I'm also coloring my hair (sitting here with the goop all over my head) ... it's time for me to once again be concerned about my image ... oh God, that's the one part of life I'm not looking forward to entering again ... but, it is what it is and I guess it's what I need to do.

What I need to do ...... boy oh boy .... that is indeed a question that is in my head constantly lately .... who am I gonna be in the next chapter of my life? I guess I'll just have to face that when I get there.

Just me and mom today

2012-01-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

My older sister left to go to her house and pick up some supplies and hug her kitties (and husband) ... then tonite she will pick my younger sister up at the airport and bring her here. So, tonite it will be the three of us ... first time I can remember when we've all three been together without mom moderating. It should be interesting, and hopefully helpful for all of us.

Mom's still winding down slowly ... but she's very comfortable and she still seems to know us. She's so small now that I can easily pick her up to transfer from bed to chair, but she's refusing the chair more now, so it's usually only one transfer a day.

We are still planning her birthday for this weekend, but we know we have to take this one moment at a time.

Mom's slipping away

2012-01-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

Every day she is here a little bit less. Luckily for me, my older sister has been here with me most of the time, so we are helping each other thru this. Part of me thinks this is the hardest thing I've ever done ... and another part of me thinks it's the greatest thing I have ever done.

Watching mom go thru this is very hard, but knowing she's going thru it in the most comfortable way we can possibly offer and knowing she's surrounded by love and good energy definitely makes it easier.

My younger sister is arriving from CA on Wednesday and we are planning an early birthday party for Mom's 95th. I have a feeling my mom is trying to hold on for both of these events ... but only God knows if she can and I struggle daily to deal with not really knowing anything.

I'm doing OK, but occasionally these waves of sadness just wash over me. Mom is not only my mom ... she's also been my "girlfriend" for the last 15 years ... and I'm already missing her a lot.

Hospice has arrived

2012-01-07T04:42:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a busy day … the hospice social worker and nurse were both here for a couple hours each but now everything is set up. Mom will have a nurse come two times a week and a CNA will come 5 to 7 times a week … they said when the CNA comes, she will be here for 1 ½ to 2 hours and I can use that time to run any errands or get out of the house or take a nap or go to the movies or whatever (God, that feels so luxurious!)

They said the next few days will be kinda hectic with lots of supplies/equipment being delivered and forms to fill out, etc. It will be hard for me to have lots of strangers in my house so much, but I gotta tell you it feels like a hundred pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. My older sister came last nite and will be here with us until Monday, so she can help me deal with this new setup … she’s a social butterfly, so she will love all this hectic-ness (word? I doubt it LOL).

I can’t imagine what kind of horrors these people must see cuz all they kept telling me, over and over, is “Wow … you are so well organized” and “Gee, this house is wonderful” and “Your mom is in such great shape” … and here I am thinking my house is a total wreck, I don’t know where anything is anymore, and mom is a mess! So, it was nice to hear otherwise.

Bottom line is I don’t have to bathe mom anymore, mom doesn’t have to go to any doctors anymore, and I will never have to deal with 911/emergency rooms again! This is such a liberating experience for me!

I know that hospice being here means mom’s days on this earth are definitely numbered and that makes me sad beyond explanation … but I also know hospice being here means mom is well taken care of and as comfortable as can be expected and I will hopefully be able to keep my promise to her that she can die here in her own home.

The latest leg of mom's and my adventure ...

2012-01-06T13:36:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted on this blog for a long time ... mainly because things were quiet here and I didn't have much to say. Lately, mom has been slowing down, so here's the latest:

I have a home healthcare nurse coming to see mom now because I need a second pair of eyes to monitor what's going on with her. They've been coming a couple days a week for three weeks. The nurse was here today and he will be coming three times a week now. Mom is no longer eating or drinking unless I literally put it in her mouth. She’s sleeping about 16 to 20 hours a day. She is almost totally incontinent and hardly talks at all. She’s on her oxygen a lot and her breathing is very labored when she is awake (though it’s fine when she’s asleep and no one seems to be able to tell me why that is … but she is definitely most comfortable when she’s sleeping so I let her do that as much as she wants). My friend came here today so I could go out and get some supplies and she told me mom looks like her mom did when she was considered “end stage”. I reminded the nurse today that one of the reasons I brought them here was so they could let me know when they feel we should bring Hospice in … he said he thinks it's time for Hospice to do an evaluation. So, we're working on that.

This is so tough to watch. My emotions are all over the place … one minute I’m hoping mom will hang on for a while, then the next minute I’m hoping she will let go. She’s really not having any fun any more.

2011-03-10T15:53:00.003-05:00

Woohoooo ... Mom got her neck brace off two days ago. She really needed a haircut, but I was afraid to take her to the stylist, cuz they bend her neck backwards over the sink and I didn't think that would be a good idea ... so I cut her hair myself! No comments on my haircutting abilities though LOL

Mom's 94th birthday party

2011-02-14T00:18:00.002-05:00

Imagine having 94 birthdays!! Phew ... makes me tired just thinking about it!

And the saga continues .....

2011-02-10T12:56:00.002-05:00

Mom fell in the bathroom a couple weeks ago ... the EMTs came and said they didn't think much was wrong, but because she had a large lump on her forehead, they figured they better take her to the emergency room, because she's on blood thinners and there could be a brain bleed. So, they walked her out to the ambulance (never even put a collar on her) and I followed them to the hospital. 10 hours later, she was admitted because she had a broken neck! Fortunately, the fractures (C1 and C2) were stable and there was no brain damage, so the hospital only kept her for a couple days, then I brought her home.

We've reached a whole new level of home care now ... I have video monitors set up, so I can see her wherever she is, and my sister has ordered an alarm that will go off at night if she gets out of bed, while I'm sleeping (which I'm now doing in her bedroom with her). She keeps apologizing to me for being a "bother", but she can't understand that she would be less of a "bother" if she would use her walker, etc. In her mind, doing things on her own makes less work for me, and I can't convince her that letting me help her actually makes less work for me in the long run.

Fortunately, my two sisters have been trying to help me as much as they can ... one financially and the other more physically. The one that lives closest tries to get here to help me out every couple weeks ... so, I get a couple nights of uninterrupted sleep and can run some necessary errands ... other than that, I only get out of the house when mom goes with me. And, we've been having some brutal winter weather so mom wants to go out less and less.

But, we are hanging in there ... my mom is one heck of a trooper. Next week, we celebrate her 94th birthday!!

Oh boy, it's holiday time again

2010-12-05T22:24:00.002-05:00

Hello out there ... yes, I'm still here ... and more importantly, mom's still here too. My caregiving duties have increased lately ... my mom's brother is in kidney failure, so I've been taking him for dialysis treatments 3 times a week ... his wife has diabetes and has been having serious leg problems with a wound that won't heal, so I've been trying to help her out too. My mom's sister had a pretty severe stroke a few months ago so she's been fighting her way back from that and my sister and I have been taking mom to see her. It feels like most of my life is spent in doctor's offices, rehab facilities, and hospitals, but I'm glad I can help them.

On top of this, I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes ... it's my own damn fault ... I've really let myself go lately, so I know I need to get my act together! So, I'm trying to get myself back on an exercise regime and start eating better. I can't wait til January 1st, so I'm making this resolution now ... wish me luck!!

Happy Holidays to all.

Mom and I are still here ;-)

2010-03-18T08:01:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't posted for a looooong time, but I've been kinda lost in the land of Facebook games ... a pleasant diversion from reality. But, I did want to check in to let you all know that mom and I are still hanging in there. Mom just had her 93rd birthday and I'll be 62 at the end of this month (I can't believe I'm actually old enough to qualify for social security ... whouldda thunk it?)

Anyhoo ... not much to actually report, but, in our case, no news is good news. Spring is actually looking like a possibility, after one of the hardest winters we've had here in a very long time. So, I might actually get out and do some yard work today ... it's either that, or do my taxes, and I think the yard work will win.

50 Communication Tips and Techniques for Caregivers

2008-06-20T08:32:00.000-05:00

Fiona King just sent me a link to a good article they just published at their site. I think it's important information every caregiver should know. Check it out:

50 Communication Tips and Techniques for Caregivers

It's Spring ... so what's my excuse now?

2008-04-19T15:32:00.003-05:00

I was just outside removing all the winter debris (leaves, branches, etc.) that have accumulated in my garden and around my bushes and trees .... and I actually worked up a good sweat, raking, dragging trash cans, scooping up leaves, breaking up limbs, and so forth. I came inside feeling really good ... but then I sat here at this computer and proceeded to eat a whole bag of sesame sticks ... granted they are low fat and no salt, but there's still a whole lot of carbs in there .... it feels like I've defeated all my exercise by doing this.

And mom? This heat is so hard on her .... she went outside to sit and after about a half hour, she could hardly stand up she was shaking so badly .... I put up the umbrella on the patio but she refused to sit under it ... she insisted she was cold and wanted to sit in the sun. When she gets insistent like this, there's not much I can do to change her mind. So, now I'm sitting here feeling bloated from all the sesame sticks and she's passed out in her recliner ... what an exciting Saturday afternoon LOL

I'm heading out the door now for a long walk before I make our dinner .... let's hope I feel better when I get home.

uuummmmph

Adjusting to my lifestyle

2008-04-17T16:33:00.002-05:00

Now that my sister is gone, I can't leave mom alone as long as I could before when my sister helped out with the mom coverage ... so I had to map out a four-leaf clover of 1-mile walks around my mom's neighborhood, with her house in the middle ... so I take these quick 1-mile walks and hopefully get all four of them in during the day so I've walked 4 miles or 1 hour ... it seems to work and I'm not away from mom long enough for her to get in trouble or worry about where I am. I hope this lasts for a while, cuz these walks are once again my sanity now that my sister is gone. And, while my sister was here, I did much too much snacking so I need to get back to good eating and exercise!

So far the news on my sister and her new life and career in Southern Cal is good. Here, Spring is in full bloom and I'm working in the yard a lot and that helps my mood.

Life is a bit boring, but at least nothing bad is currently happening ... and I pass the time getting phone calls from political candidates.

My sister has left

2008-04-11T14:39:00.002-05:00

Man, I am so proud of my sister! The last 6 months, she has shown me her strength in so many ways ... and now, she is healed and has left today for her new career in California ... so now I no longer must caregive for her, but now it's just me and mom again ... and I'm really happy for my sister ... but it just accentuates to me how much I have given up to care for my mom ... my sister was able to get thru her struggles and get back to her life ... but I remain here without much of a social life.

I know, in my heart, that I will never regret having done this for my mom, but seeing my sister head back into the real world really makes me jealous!

I guess that's part of being a caregiver ... if you do a really good job, the people you care for will end up in better shape than you! Sooo ... I guess I just need to get back to caring for ME, while I continue to care for mom.

I'm proud of my sister for all she's done, but I guess I'm also proud of me for having helped her when she needed it most.

But, damn, I really miss her ... it was so nice, for these past 6 months, to have someone to talk to and laugh with. Today I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness.

Blog - Linda's Computer Stop: Conditional Formatting in Excel 2007

2008-04-06T13:14:00.001-05:00

Since I haven't been blogging much in this blog lately, I figured I would show you what I've been doing. I'm trying to get my website up to date and include more stuff about Windows Vista and Office 2007 ... but, becuz mom's care takes up so much of my time, it's a slow process. Maybe if some of you caregivers are trying to find ways to work from home, my website will help train you in the use of software so you are more employable ... if so, that would make me happy. Here's a sample of one of the free tutorials I've added recently:

Blog - Linda's Computer Stop: Conditional Formatting in Excel 2007

I've been quiet for a while

2008-04-01T11:03:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in this blog in a while cuz this part of my life is mostly too private to share, I guess. But, I'm still here ... mom is doing well and my younger sister's head is all healed and she's leaving us in a couple weeks to move to California where she's just accepted a very good engineering job.

Me? I just had my 60th birthday yesterday and I'm still trying to get my head around that number ... but yes, I know, it's just a number.

Hope all you caregivers out there are doing OK.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-21T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, this year I'm happy that mom is able to enjoy another Christmas and my sister is able to drive again and is looking for a job. I'm also glad that my own health has improved greatly over the past year, since I've been eating better and exercising more (and losing weight ... YAY!!). I'm not real thrilled about some of the stuff I've had to go thru this year, but I'm hopeful 2008 will be better.

I'm with Tiny Tim and agree that God has blessed us, everyone ... I hope you all are safe and warm for the holidays.

Ho Ho Ho

Holiday times acomin'

2007-11-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

Well, we had some good news here today ... my younger sister had a follow-up cat scan and neurosurgeon visit and he says her brain looks great ... so, for the next month, we slowly wean her off the brain numbing drugs and hope no seizures come .... if not, she'll be able to drive by Christmas and get a job in the new year ... so she's pretty happy.

Mom's doing pretty well too. She's settling into her new life which includes some new annoyances (like oxygen and a walker) but her spirits are good.

Me? Well, I'm just hoping to get thru these upcoming holidays without gaining weight! Wish me luck on that one.

Here's hoping we all have a safe and relatively uneventful holiday season.

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Getting ready for the holidays

2007-11-11T10:15:00.000-05:00

Well, this Thanksgiving is presenting me with many challenges ... how much can mom actually do? Since mom insists she is still super woman, it's hard to figure out what her limits really are. Though she only uses her oxygen once or twice a day, her cardiologist is very concerned becuz she still only shows 15% heart function ... I'm amazed she can even walk ... but she seems to be doing relatively well. Fortunately, she is not insisting that she cook Thanksgiving dinner this year, so my older sister has volunteered to have all of us at her place for the feast this year.

Now, all I have to worry about is fitting mom, my younger sister, all of mom's oxygen gear, mom's wheelchair, mom's walker, our three suitcases, and me into my little car ... this should be interesting. And, once the big day arrives, I am hoping I won't go overboard on eating ... but hey, if I do, I guess that's what that day is all about, eh?

Happy Thanksgiving to all ... just in case I don't get a chance to write here again before then!

Happy Halloween

2007-10-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well ... believe it or not, the day I brought my mom and sister back home, thinking all would be peaceful for a while, my mom goes into congestive heart failure and gets pneumonia and ends up in the hospital for three days. I am getting VERY tired of emergency rooms!! But, she's home now and oxygen is now a part of our decor, but she's getting stronger everyday.

Happy Halloween from me and my "bald" sister LOL

I hate doctors and hospitals!

2007-09-27T07:07:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it ... my sister's MRI showed that about one third of her brain is covered in blood and the subdural hematoma is growing and what do the doctors in the hospital do? They discharge her and tell us to make an appointment for her to see the doctor in a couple weeks! So, we got a second opinion from a neurosurgeon recommended by a family friend and he took one look at the MRI and said "I wouldn't want this in my head" and scheduled Deb for surgery. She had the surgery two days ago and was recovering well, but now she's spiked a fever and they can't figure out what's causing that ... hopefully nothing major.

Trying to take care of my mom while running back and forth to the hospital has been an exhausting experience ... but, those of you out there who are caregivers know how this goes ... I'll get thru it somehow. I just hope my sister comes thru this stronger and better than ever and can get on with her life, as well as helping me take care of mom.

Prayers are appreciated!

What next?

2007-09-18T13:58:00.000-05:00

My sister, who was supposed to be coming here to help me take care of my mom, had an "incident" two days ago (doctors still aren't sure if it was a stroke, a seizure, or what), but she kinda went catatonic on me and almost fell down the stairs ... thank God I was near her and caught her. So, she is in the hospital now (in a head trauma unit) and they are watching her. They did an MRI and she has a subdural hematoma from a previous fall and it is pretty large and does not seem to be healing, so they are considering brain surgery. I have no idea what will happen or how this is going to affect my life, so I'm in real limbo here ... but I'm hoping someone can give me some answers soon. It does feel like I'm losing more and more of my own life and I'm trying very hard to hang onto what's good for ME, but at times like this it is just so hard to focus on myself when my mom and sister are so needy. But, I promise you all that I am doing everything in my power to protect my own health and I'll hopefully be back in touch with you soon ... but right now, my days are spent running back and forth between the hospital and home and I'm too exhausted to even think much lately.

When does this end?

How things can change on you ....

2007-08-26T18:25:00.001-05:00

Just when I thought things were going to get easier on me cuz my younger sister was moving here to help me, she had a bad fall and ends up with a subdural hematoma on her brain. So, yes, she is here now but instead of helping me take care of mom, I'm now taking care of both her and mom. She assures me this is only temporary and she is bound and determined to turn this around, but at this point she has difficulty walking, has slurred speech, and is having some vision problems along with some other minor annoyances. She has seen my doctor and is now waiting to see a neurosurgeon. So, if there are any of you out there reading this, I would appreciate your prayers, good vibes, special thoughts, meditations, etc.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Some days I worry that this could go on for the rest of my damn life ... but, my older sister is trying to help me and assures me she won't desert me on this one.

I'm told we never get more than we can handle. Time will tell ....

Explanation without details

2007-08-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

I guess this is one of those times when I question "What good is a blog?" I have SO much to say but most of it is way too personal to splatter across the internet. Suffice it to say that it looks like my younger sister IS coming here ... but she is not a healthy girl herself and will require some care from me. How much care I have left in me is the question, but only time will tell.

My older sister has flown out to Santa Fe to bring my younger sister home ... and I am praying that God will realize this family has had our fair share of hardships lately and give us a break!

Didn't get my sister after all

2007-08-03T15:28:00.001-05:00

I don't really want to go into the reasons why, but suffice it to say it's just me taking care of mom ... my sister is not coming. I know a lot of caregivers are often disappointed by their siblings and don't get the help they need or want, so I'm sure some of you can understand how I'm feeling right now. But, I made a commitment to help my mom, no matter what, so this does not change that.

Heading off to get my sister

2007-07-21T08:46:00.001-05:00

I haven't been posting much lately cuz I've been really busy trying to get my house ready for my sister to move in with us. I will be flying to Santa Fe, NM on Thursday, July 26, then spending about a week there helping her get everything packed up, have a yard sale, etc. The movers will pack up the rest on Aug.1 and 2, then she and I and her two dogs will hop in her car on Aug. 3 and drive back here to PA .... that trip will take about 4 or 5 days, I'm thinking. So, I won't be doing much on the computer during that time, but I will be checking my email, website, and online classes occasionally from the road. My other sister will be taking care of mom while I'm gone and her husband and son will actually be doing some house maintenance here that they've been promising to do for a year, so that gives me something to look forward to on my return.

Wish me luck that this trip is successful and the best decision for all involved!

How my day is going so far ....

2007-06-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

Here's how my day is going, so far ...

It looks like my sister may be moving out here from Santa Fe, to help me out with mom. She's waiting to get estimates from three moving companies before she accepts one and gets me a plane ticket to come out there to drive back with her ... but, since I've been using all three bedrooms upstairs (one as my bedroom, one as my office, and one as a closet/storage/junk dump), I have to get rid of some of my stuff so she can have one of these bedrooms ... so, I've been trying to shift stuff around up there and clear out one room ... but, you know how that goes ...move stuff here so you can put that there, then move that here so you can put this there .... so the whole upstairs looks like a bomb went off ... and also, I'm moving lots of stuff out to the garage and offering it on freecycle ... mostly computer stuff ... plus a bunch of crap is going out in the trash ... and, also, I'm donating a bunch of stuff to goodwill .... so there's piles of stuff EVERYWHERE!!

Oh ... and on top of all this, I seem to have gotten some poison ivy or something and I've got itchy bumps all over my arms and legs ... and, of course, I scratched them during the nite, so they are bleeding and now my chin is itching ... so I must've scratched them, then touched my chin. So, now I'm covered in this anti-itching stuff and it's kinda helping, but I still get the occasional itch.

And, it is sooooo HOT and humid here, I could die!!

Bad timing = good workout!

2007-06-11T14:44:00.001-05:00

I spent most of the morning at the doctors with my mom so I couldn't get a morning walk in. So, when I got home, after I made her some lunch, I decided to go out for a quick mile and a half before it rained (cuz it was looking pretty gray outside) ... well, I made it about half way and the thunder started ... I realized it didn't matter if I turned around or kept going, either way I was gonna get caught in the rain ... and then it started lightening and raining HARD ... so I figured I better RUN ... so, I ran about 3/4 of a mile to get home ... and was I ever drenched ... and, of course, mom was worried about me cuz of the lightning.

But I RAN 3/4 of a mile!!!! WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!

But, now I'm dried off and in fresh clothes and having a glass of merlot while I watch the beautiful thunderstorm that's going on outside (on my laptop on battery, of course).

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I got mom a wheelchair

2007-06-07T10:23:00.001-05:00

I got mom's doc to write a prescription for a lightweight wheelchair and mom's insurance covered 80% with a 20% co-pay, so I ordered her chair from a local hospital supply place and they delivered it this morning. I only need to pay $14 a month for 10 months and then the chair belongs to us. It's very high quality and very comfy for mom ... plus it’s a hemi, which means it's smaller and fits nicely in the trunk of my car ... mom is a tiny little thing, so it's perfect for her. Hopefully, tonite after dinner, I'll take mom on our first excursion together .... I think she'll enjoy getting out and I'm sure pushing her (especially uphill) will increase my workout, so this should be a good thing all around. Mom also wants me to take her to a couple local parks that have paved walking paths, so that should be fun too. Plus, now that I can take her with me, I don't have to stay so close to home ... maybe I can even take her to the mall on occasion (not that I'm a mall kinda gal, but it could be a nice diversion for us, every once in a while.).

40 years ago today

2007-06-01T17:56:00.001-05:00

I just heard on TV tonite that forty years ago today the Beatles released Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ... and I can remember that like it was yesterday ... except, I was so different then ... I was 19 years old, a radical hippie in college, in love with the man I would eventually marry for 18 years, psyched to change the world!! And here I am today, 59 yrs old, with high blood pressure and high cholesterol, overweight, unemployed and taking care of my 90-yr-old mom, about 3000 miles away from the man I now love, and totally unsure of what my future even holds. That, to me, is soooo depressing!

Any tips on how I make my life fun again? LO

Gmaps Pedometer

2007-05-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

Gmaps Pedometer

This is really cool ... it lets you calculate the miles you walk/run ANYWHERE ... even if it's not on a road and you can't calculate it with your car. I just spent a while calculating all of my normal walk routes. It's fun.

Just zoom in until you find your location, then click on the button that says Start Recording, then double click on your starting point, then just keep double clicking every time your route makes a turn and you'll see the whole route being mapped and it will tell you how many miles you went.

Me and the teenagers

2007-05-23T12:59:00.000-05:00

I needed some alone time this afternoon so I went Nordic walking on my no-longer-existent high school’s old track and I was up there with a bunch of teenagers …. At first it pissed me off that these kids were invading my space, but then I started thinking, “We sure never exercised when we were kids, did we?” … so then I started actually respecting these kids. Of course, since they were all running around the track and here I was, this old lady weirdo walking with these strange poles, I started thinking what we would have said about me when we were teenagers … and then I got pissed again LOL

Changing my lifestyle

2007-05-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

My uncle and aunt took me and mom out to lunch today … to one of those Country Buffet places where you can eat all you want … well, I don’t like those kinds of places cuz the food is really not very healthy and I tend to eat way too much of it … so, when we got home, mom passed out in her chair and I went to the track for a run …. I’m so glad that’s how I deal with overeating now … the old me would have been passed out on the couch right beside mom LOL

I ran a half mile today!

2007-05-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

OK ... compared to real runners, I know this isn't much ... but I'm proud of myself. I took my normal walk this morning, which is a half mile to the local track, four walking laps around the quarter-mile track, then a half mile back ... that's two miles total ... well, today I RAN two of the four laps (walked one, ran one, walked one, then ran the last one)... I've never been able to run two laps before ... generally I only run one lap or even just half of one lap.

I won't tell you about my morning with mom, that sent me flying out the front door in need of a release! LOL

New places to go for walks

2007-05-02T14:23:00.001-05:00

I just discovered this park that's about a 10-minute drive from me and they have 10 miles of walking trails, which are really nice, from flat to rolling hills to some pretty steep hills ... there's all kinds of wildlife (both flowers and animals and lots of birds ... wild turkeys walk beside you on a lot of the trails LOL) ... what a nice find for me, since most of my walking is on concrete thru my suburban neighborhood ... I've also been toying with the idea of checking out some cemeteries ... they seem to have nice paved paths and lots of rolling hills ... my only prerequisite is I have to be able to get there, walk the walk, and get home within 90 minutes cuz that's about as long as I feel comfortable leaving my mom alone.

That's my quest lately ... to find nice places to walk!

Cruise pictures, rescued from my dead laptop

2007-04-26T13:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I had gone thru all the cruise pictures and cropped them, rotated them, labeled them, etc ... and of course, saved all that on my laptop so now they are lost cuz my laptop just bit the dust.

So ... I just slapped a bunch of pictures together and threw them on a web page ... most of them are labeled, but I can't remember which island some of them are, so I'll have to let my sister look at them and see if she can help me ... but here they are, if you wanna see:

http://www.personal-computer-tutor.com/cruise/

I don't know if I'll do anymore with this ... most people just want to glance thru them anyway LOL

Lose Weight Automatically

2007-04-23T14:49:00.000-05:00

Lose Weight Automatically

I really liked this article. This is what I try to do ... I try to behave like a "normal" person and not think about calories and food logs, etc. It's my belief that people who don't have issues with food and eating, don't obsess over some of this stuff the way people trying to lose weight do ... so my goal is to be "normal" ... well, at least when it comes to my weight LOL

Emotions on overflow

2007-04-11T14:19:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling really down since I returned from my cruise, but today a woman in one of the weight loss groups I belong to said she was dealing with emotional eating and I had a small epiphany here .... here's what I told her:

"I can relate to what you said .... I was an emotional eater too .... Eating related to everything for me .... If I was sad, I'd eat .... If I was lonely, I'd eat .... If I was happy, I'd eat .... I couldn't relate to people who said they were so depressed, they couldn't eat .... Couldn't eat? A good bout of depression would have me woofing down everything that wasn't tied down. And, oh God, don't let me be bored!! Boredom was the IDEAL emotion for stuffing my face!

In addition, I've now discovered that I was using smoking to deal with these same emotions .... So, an emotional eater and an emotional smoker .... Now I can't do either .... So, I find myself on this hectic emotional roller coaster .... I realize now that I am feeling emotions I totally numbed out with food and nicotine .... And man, is this scarey.

But it's good .... It shows I'm still alive ... And possibly more alive than ever .... Phew!!"

Leftovers for Easter Supper

2007-04-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

I guess I should be glad that my life still allows for change and isn't always a given .... today I took mom out for dinner and a movie .... since it's Easter Sunday and it's just the two of us. We went to a matinee to see Wild Hogs .... perfect choice .... made both mom and I laugh --- a lot.

But, she insisted we get a large serving of those soft pretzel bites with the melted processed cheez. And, of course, we ate them all ... then, after the movie, neither of us is hungry so we decide to blow off dinner and just go home.

As soon as we get home, she sacks out on the recliner and I go upstairs and change and head out the door for a long walk .... I'm home now, sipping a glass of merlot and wondering what to do for our dinner. I made some really good scallops the other nite, which she didn't want to eat becuz she said they were too spicey (I must admit, I tested out some of the island spices I brought home from the cruise and damn, were they good) .... so I guess I'll eat that tonite and give her some of my Aunt Betty's leftover spaghetti and with a little salad for each of us... when she wakes up.

Traditional holidays just ain't gonna be happenin' round here for a while, I guess ;-)

Dieting without cigarettes ouch

2007-04-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a nice long walk -- it's cold out there, but that clean, invigorating kinda cold that I like -- anyway, my walks always make me think, so here's what I been thinkin' bout lately ...

This is the first time I've ever tried to lose weight without smoking cigarettes. Can anyone relate to this? Every other time I went on a diet, cigarettes were my substitute for just about anything I craved .... Plus, they just plain ol' made me less nuts ... Butts were definitely my best friend ... Now, on this new lifestyle change plan, I'm trying to lose weight without my best friend.

So .... Anybody else also dieting for the first time after quitting smoking? I haven't had a cigarette since mid-August, 2006, but I still want one all the time ... I've thought about some of the foods I used to woof down and there's not ONE of them that I want more than a cigarette.

Then, I think about those walks ... And how much easier they are for me since I quit smoking .... Even when I was on my cruise, I noticed how much better I could swim without getting so winded .... So, I need to focus on this and be strong here.

Lifestyle .... Lifestyle .... Lifestyle

Mom and I are home!

2007-04-03T09:44:00.001-05:00

Well, we had a WONDERFUL time on our cruise. Mom was actually able to get into a routine and had a lot of fun (especially in the casino LOL). She ate really well (and so did I *grrr*) .... so we both gained weight (good for her and sucks for me). Now, we are both trying to adjust to being home ... mom's a little confused ... Yesterday I saw her sitting on the end of her bed and I asked her "What's up, mom?" and she said "I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do."

I don't blame her ... I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now too. I guess we'll both figure it out in a day or so.

I went to Walmart yesterday and got three rolls of film developed, so I'll be posting cruise pictures later this week.

Going Cruising on Thursday!

2007-03-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

Well, my sister and I are taking mom on a Caribbean cruise and we leave this Thursday, March 22nd. Mom's actually pretty excited about it and keeps asking me the same questions over and over until she "gets it", then asking me new questions ... this is a very good sign .... she doesn't really get excited about too much lately.

The cruise ship has an Internet Cafe and, supposedly, I should be able to post to this blog from there, so I think I'll try to check in with you all on occasion and let you know how we're doing ... and maybe I'll even be able to post some pictures ... if I can't post pictures from the ship, I'll be sure to post them when I get home.

I wanted to have lost 20 lbs for this cruise, but I only lost 17 so far and doubt I'll make my goal in three days ... but I did get close and I do feel pretty good, so I'm content. Here's hoping I don't go hog-wild at the sushi bar and gain it all back on this cruise LOL

And hey .... for the first time in my website's life, I've closed down the orders department until I return. I don't want to have to deal with that ... this cruise is about FAMILY and I'm keeping that priority in perfect order.

So, anyway, maybe you'll hear from me while I'm at sea .... and maybe you won't .... I ain't makin' no promises for the next two weeks, 'cept to my mom.

Some days I just need to SCREAM!!

2007-03-11T12:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got groceries and cleaned out the fridge of all the old stuff to make room for the new. Then, this morning, I made up a whole bunch of meals for myself that really came out well .... Lo-fat shrimp salad, veggies with salsa and no-fat sour cream, sliced veggies with a lo-fat ranch dip ... All packaged up nice and ready to eat (and all of which can be beefed up with some bread and butter to add the calories mom needs and I don't).... Then this afternoon I went out for ONE HOUR .... And I came home and mom informs me "I cleaned out the refrigerator" .... And yup, you guessed it, she threw away ALL of my meals .... She said "They were bad."

I know I can't yell at her for this cuz she doesn't realize she did something wrong, and yelling at her wouldn't do any good anyway cuz she'll just forget it and do it again tomorrow if she had the chance ..... And, now that it's over, she's happily forgotten it all .... BUT I'M STEAMING!!

And, as far as I know, there is NOTHING I can do about this but go for yet another looooooooooooooong walk .... So that's what I'm gonna do NOW.

Sometimes all we can do is VENT!!!!!!

Hugs and "I love you"'s

2007-03-07T16:08:00.000-05:00

My sister was here visiting this weekend and I was telling her (in front of my mom) that I envied the hugs and "I love you"'s she gets from mom, cuz I don't get them anymore .... and I know this is becuz my sister comes and goes and that's when this happens ... becuz I'm always here, mom and I never exchange this kinda stuff ... of course, my mom insisted I was lying to my sister ... she insisted that she always tells me she loves me. I'm sure she's remembering years ago when I didn't live here and she always told me she loved me when I called on the phone ... I asked her "when was the last time, mom?" and she, of course, couldn't really answer that question.

BUT, the good news is, since my sister went home, mom and I have BOTH been saying "I love you" when we go to bed at nite AND periodically, I'll say "hey mom. How bout a hug?" and she's quite willing to hug me. And, I must say, this is making me feel better. Hugs and I love you's are important for me and it's good to have them back in my life.

Guilt ... what's the point?

2007-03-06T21:03:00.000-05:00

We were talking about guilt in one of the caregiving groups I belong to. So, I been thinking about it a bit ..... This is what I told one woman who was feeling guilt about stuff she thought she had done to her mother.

I was a licensed psychotherapist for 12 years and I dealt with lots of clients who suffered from unresolved guilt and I promise you it is VERY TOXIC. Basically, there are three conditions where guilt is a factor:

1. You feel guilt because you think you did something wrong, but you really didn't do anything wrong at all.

2. You feel guilt because you think you did something wrong and you are right ... you DID do something wrong.

3. You did something wrong, but you feel no guilt. (In this case, you are a sociopath and need serious help)

Well .... obviously we can rule number 3 out here becuz you are feeling guilt .... but you have to be the one to decide if you fit into number 1 or number 2. It sounds to me like you are thinking number 2 ..... so, if that is the case, you need to sit down in a quiet space and talk to your mom .... tell her how sorry you are and then tell her the steps you plan to take so you never do something like this again ... then stick to that plan.

Guilt only serves ONE purpose ... to show us what we need to change in ourselves. If, in fact, you really did nothing wrong, then the guilt you are feeling is useless and you need to discard it. However, if you truly believe you DID do something wrong, then you need to take POSITIVE steps to insure that you won't do this again and to apologize to your mom .... then, and only then, will the guilt go away.

Be nicer to yourself ... we are only human and we've all done things that make us feel guilt .... however, we need to learn from these things so we can get past the guilt and be better people.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

2007-03-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

In one of the caregiver online support groups I belong to, a few people where doing the "when do I get a life?" thing and I replied with this ...
_______________________________

"Ya know .... I used to spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself becuz of the life I was missing while caregiving for my mom .... but then I realized that it's just a reality ... we CAN'T do many of the things we could do before .... so I decided I had to accept that and figure out what I COULD do, now that I was basically housebound ... and I came up with lots of things that are very good for ME and have nothing to do with mom, so I can treasure them as my own .... and they are all about taking care of me .... taking a walk (where mom can use her phone to call my cell phone) ... I'm never gone for more than 45 mins and she can always reach me ... these walks are not only healthy for me, physically, but really good for me mentally ... I'm ALONE ... ahhhhhh

Also, I'm taking time to get to understand myself better, thru groups like this and some other groups I'm in for weight loss (something else I'm working on, now that I'm basically housebound .... food, exercise, all good stuff for ME) .... Even stuff like taking care of my skin and feet ... stuff like that that is good for ME.

I'm figuring this caregiving role is a temporary part of my life .... when I come out of it, I really really really think it's important that I'm in good shape to go to the next part of my life .... so I focus on things that will help me be there when mom is gone.

That's how I deal with it best ... I'm sure it's different for each of us .... but, boy, I sure did see I needed to deal with it, cuz that was making me VERY depressed."
___________________________________

This truly is how I feel lately .... no matter how hard this gets, I must continue to grow during the process or none of it will have been worth it.

Guess I'm not that old yet

2007-02-28T15:48:00.001-05:00

I was out power walking and I took a loop by the hospital where I was told they had a pool and aerobics classes that I could join for a fee ... So I figured I'd check it out.

I met the woman who teaches the aerobics classes and she was describing them to me and kept stressing that they were LOW impact ... She even said VERY LOW impact at one point. Then she mentioned that the woman in the class were all in their late 50s or older and the class was VERY LOW impact. I mentioned that I was kinda tied to my home becuz I'm taking care of my mom and lately I've been power walking for exercise now but when the warm weather comes, I didn't think I'd be able to keep it up outside, so I was thinking water aerobics might be the key. She said she'd love to have me in the class, but then felt the need to stress that it was VERY LOW impact.

All of this without me ever mentioning anything about the level of impact I wanted. So, I'm guessing maybe I didn't look as old and decrepit to her as I think I look LOL

Bottom line is they charge $45 a month for three available hours in the pool each day for five days a week ... It's only the pool (no gym) and it's only these three hours a day (Mon-Fri) when they teach aerobics ... No laps, no gym ... So I'm thinking it's too expensive for what they are offering. And, I now know that what I need is HIGH impact water aerobics ... So I need to check out some other places.

Good cholesterol and bad cholesterol

2007-02-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

Well. I went back to the docs today and got the results of my latest bloodwork and I've done really well with my exercise and diet .... my LDL is down from 211 to 83 and the doc was thrilled .... but my HDL is still only 34, which is kinda low ... the doc says it's hereditary and nothing I can do about it ... but other websites tell me that exercise, diet, omega 3 oils, and wine will help (among other things) ... but I've been doing that and see no improvement thus far .... but I'm gonna keep on keepin' on until I see the doc in three months ... hopefully the HDL will rise.

Now that I'm thru with the doc for a few months, I'm going to actually allow myself to get excited ... my sister and I are taking mom on a cruise!! To the Caribbean! We leave on March 22nd and that's all I want to think about for now.

Gotta figure out a way to let my website visitors know that I won't be around for 10 days ... for the first time in many, many years, I am going away and NOT going to be checking on my website, etc. I am going away COMPLETELY!! God, does that sound good to me!

Don't make plans, when you are a caregiver

2007-02-15T10:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I sent this post to one of the caregiving groups I belong to ....

"I'm so pissed. I thought I had everything covered in planning for me to be able to go to this Microsoft "launch" tomorrow .... My brother-in-law was taking the day off tomorrow so I could take my mom there for the day .... I was supposed to drive down tonite, but now this damn snow has cancelled that one .... but, my sister said it's still OK, she would come here tomorrow morning and be with mom so I could go .... but, as she's telling me this on the phone, I'm hearing that she's really sick with some kind of bug, so I DEFINITELY do not want her to come here, nor do I want to take mom to her place.

So, now, instead of going to the Microsoft thing tomorrow, I have to buy the software that I would have gotten for free (gonna cost me almost 500 bux). Or, not ... I'm trying to decide if it's worth the money to update my online classes and ebooks .... I'm sure, eventually it will pay off, but right now I just don't have the energy to even think about it ... I think I'm sliding back into my depression.

So, before I start blubbering here, I'm gonna go shovel some of this snow!!"

So, with that in mind, let me just add that today I'm feeling better (snow shovelling did help!) ... I occasionally think of the workshop that's going on right now without me, and I'm kinda sad cuz it would have been nice to be part of that world again for one day (and to be bringing home a free copy of Office 2007) ... but, oh well, gotta keep my priorities straight here .... I'm here with mom becuz that's where I'm supposed to be .... gotta live in the moment and not stress out about keeping up with the "latest" so I can compete in this world again after mom is gone. Who knows if I'll even want to compete there then.

One day at a time .... one half day at a time .... one quarter day at time ... one hour at a time ... one half hour at a time .... one quarter hour at a time .... one minute at a time ... one second at a time .... one moment at a time .... one breath at a time .... I wonder how far I can go with this? LOL

Dress for Excess

2007-02-10T12:04:00.000-05:00

I'm wondering how the rest of you dress when you workout or exercise?

I remember, years ago, when I did the official gym thing, where I spent money to join a gym and stopped going after 2 weeks becuz I hated it. Mostly, I hated the clothes. I was in baggy sweats and surrounded by spandex-clad bulimics. I realize now that the reason I hated these women so much was I couldn't wear spandex like that, even if I wanted to. If I wore spandex, it would be leggings and a tank top, covered by some big flimsy wrap that hid my midsection .... and the older I get, the bigger the wrap gets (and the less flimsy). And, how the hell can you workout in that outfit? LOL

So ... I don't go to gyms anymore .... and I get my workout by taking these long, long delicious power walks.

So, if you live in my neck of the Philly burbs, look outside your window ... if you see a middle-aged woman in torn up sweat pants and a big bulky winter jacket, with a long babushka-type bright red scarf wrapped three times around her head and neck, well that's me :-)

I had a bit of an epiphany today .... while I was walking .... one of the online weight loss groups I'm in was talking about how we obsess about that number on the scale, and I realized that this is actually the first time I haven't done that ... I really don't think about that number and I really don't have a goal number. What I have is a goal feeling. All I want is to feel good ... when my body is where it's supposed to be, I will know .... if I keep in touch with my body .... so, that's my goal. To me, it's not about a number, it's about a feeling.

At the movies with mom

2007-02-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

My mom's 90th birthday is next week and I will be taking her down to my sisters for a few days so we can all go shopping for "cruise clothes" (ick! LOL) So, today I took mom to the movies and out to dinner for an early gift, while it's still just the two of us ... We went to see Diane Keaton's new movie "Because I Said So" .... It was good .... Uplifting .... Enjoyable fluff ... The kind of stuff mom loves and I can enjoy .... Then we went to dinner and that went really well, though I ate way more than I should have (on a new healthy eating jag lately) .... Anyway, I have a funny story for you .....

We're sitting there watching the Coming Attractions and these three older ladies come and sit in the row in front of us. Two of the ladies look pretty old and one is obviously the caregiver, cuz she's not that old, but looks worse than either of them (heehee) .... Anyway, throughout the coming attractions, the oldest woman (who's in a wheelchair) keeps making strange birdlike sounds and I'm hoping this isn't going to continue through the whole movie ... I notice my mom watching her with a puzzled look .... Then, the movie starts and I'm settling in to enjoy it and the old woman starts singing .... And she doesn't sing all that well .... But, she's loud. This goes on for about a minute, then she stops, thank God. But, oh well, she starts up again a few minutes later ... And she's really enjoying herself this time .... Just wailing away at some song I can't recognize. I see the two other women whispering and then they get up, gather up their coats and bags and wheel the grand soprano out of the theater. Mom sits quietly beside me and doesn't say a word. But, when we arrived at the restaurant, she says to me "Did you see those kids in front of us? Were they a rock band?"

Ahhhhhhhhhh .... Out of the mouths of babes .... ROFL

A good site for helping you lose weight

2007-02-05T16:45:00.000-05:00

Lately, exercising and diet are a big part of my world ... to keep me off cigarettes, to keep my blood pressure and cholesterol down, and to help me with depression .... and, I'll be damned, it's working!

I've joined a few yahoo groups on weight loss and they are introducing me to lots of websites that really help me. I've joined "idita-walk" and am tracking my walking time against the Iditarod dog sledders in Alaska .... and I'm using the calorie counters, etc. at different websites to help me monitor my foods.

Here's one I just came across that has some free stuff that you would normally have to pay for on the Weight Watchers site:

http://www.dwlz.com/

Ramblings: Taking care of myself is harder than taking care of mom

2007-02-01T16:28:00.001-05:00

*sigh* .... this is sooooooooooo frustrating. Yesterday, I ate a cup of cottage cheese with some chopped pineapple for breakfast, with coffee and grape juice ... for lunch I had a small bowl of chicken noodle soup ... for dinner I had two cups of whole wheat pasta with spaghetti sauce and one meatball, and two cups of lettuce with low fat dressing. During the day, I drank four bottled waters. That's it .... AND I went on a really long power walk where I got my heart rate up pretty good.

This morning I'm feeling all good about myself so I get on the scale and I GAINED two pounds!! How the hell is this possible?

Anyway ... I think I'm weighing myself too often (every other day) so from now on, I'm only going to weigh myself on Monday mornings. Maybe that way I'll see some more obvious results of my efforts here.

And, of course, all of this just makes me want to smoke more .... smoking really makes dieting MUCH easier LOL

Ramblings: Live in the Moment or Plan for Your Future?

2007-01-29T19:39:00.000-05:00

I know. I know. I'm supposed to be finishing up the "history" of how I became mom's caregiver, but other stuff keeps popping into my head and I'd rather write about that. Blog, to me, means "stream of consciousness", so that's where I'm going ....

So, I'm in this "temporary" spot in my life ... gave up my career and so-called life to take care of my mom fulltime .... once this is over, I'm pretty much on my own. I do have a "significant other", but he's over a thousand miles away in Canada and lately I'm not so sure he's gonna be my future, as I once hoped .... and mostly it's cuz he doesn't want to talk about my fears of the future (which do, in part, revolve around him) .... so, it's my instinct to prepare for my future and it's his instinct to take everything one minute at a time and come what may .... GAWD!!!! How I long to think like him .... in theory, I know that living in the moment is what works best, but I'm such a damn planner and goal setter .... all my life I have had goals and dreams and spent my life making them come true .... not all of them worked the way I thought they would, but they all certainly pulled me thru the hard parts .... "Come on, Linda ... just get thru this and you know what's on the other side" .... I seriously don't know how to enjoy and appreciate my life without this forward-thinking.

I say to myself .... if we really believed in living in the present, why would we buy insurance or save money? ... sorry, but I need to think about security for my future ... if I never make it to that place, at least pointing myself in that direction keeps me from questioning why I'm even here.

ramble ... ramble ... ramble (do I dare give my answer to "why am I here?" LOL)

Ramblings: My newest addiction

2007-01-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

OK ... so now that I told you I quit smoking about five months ago, let's examine my replacement addictions .... at least that's what they feel like to me.

Biggest one is walking ... whenever I crave a cigarette, I go for a walk .... and, because quitting smoking tends to make me snack more, walking is a good thing, I guess. Also, because my blood pressure is high, exercise is also a good thing. So, walking instead of smoking is a good addiction, but it is definitely an addiction .... when I need a walk, I really need a walk .... if I can't have one, I get horribly depressed. I even bought a treadmill so I can walk when the weather is bad ... but I realize it's not the act of walking that I'm addicted to, because the treadmill doesn't thrill me at all. What I'm addicted to is getting outside and breathing fresh air .... and, I'm sure, I'm happy to get away from mom for a few minutes (as guilty as I feel about that, it's true ... and other caregivers will understand that). I just love power walking around the neighborhood and taking long deep breaths of fresh air .... it feels divine!

OK ... now the second addiction, which might not be as good. In dealing with my blood pressure, I've been changing my diet quite a bit and adding vitamin supplements (stuff like Omega oils, apple cider vinegar, garlic, etc. ... all recommended to lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, and make your heart healthier). But, another thing I found was that many people recommend one glass of red wine a day for a healthy heart. Well, I've never been a big drinker, but alcoholism is definitely present in my family ... but, now I worry that I'm addicted to this one glass of red wine a day because it's like an alarm goes off every day around 4:30pm telling me it's time for my wine. I wonder how much harm one glass of red wine a day could actually cause? If it's harmful, why would many people recommend it? I've actually been able to go without it for a day or two in a row without much suffering, but I definitely do miss it .... it's like a little "unwinder" that just relaxes me in the evening when it's too dark to go out for my walk.

Now, this is truly rambling .... but I guess that's what a blog is for .... hopefully not that many people are even reading it LOL

History, Part 4A: Sub-chapter: A couple weeks earlier

2007-01-25T18:30:00.000-05:00

I need to interject something into History 4 .... just so you know where mom and I were at when this stroke stuff happened....

Three weeks before the emergency room nite, mom and I quit smoking .... I had been smoking for 45 years and mom had been smoking for about 35. Neither of us wanted to quit and neither of us thought we were suffering health-wise from smoking ... we both felt ok, but maybe we were both totally in denial .... But, three weeks later, mom has a stroke and a couple weeks after that, I discover that I have high blood pressure. Most people think the smoking caused our problems .... but, I kind of think smoking was what held both of us together ... it was our "glue" so to speak .... not to mention our antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication .... cuz taking it away from us caused us to explode health-wise.

So, as I go thru everything now, I'm always dying for a smoke .... every new challenge is that much harder without my best friend. Quitting smoking has been one of the hardest things I've ever done .... and, up to this point, I still can't find anything in my life that is better because I quit ... but, for some reason, I do not start again ... for some reason, I can't.

Recently, I had a funny experience. I'll copy/paste what I posted to one of the online caregivers' groups that I belong to .....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

OK ... I had a very interesting experience this afternoon and I need some
soothsayers to tell me what this means .....

I am bagging up some clothes to contribute them to a local charity and the
charity specified that they really need winter clothes, so I figured I must
have some old coats and jackets that I don't wear anymore. So, I pulled a
few out of the back of a closet and decided I should first go through all
the pockets to be sure there's nothing of value in there (earrings, loose
change, someone's phone number on a matchbook cover, etc.) .... Well, out of
7 jackets, I was pretty amazed that 6 of them were empty .... I thought, for
sure, since I quit smoking in August, there would definitley be some old
half-full cigarette packs (and I wasn't sure what I would do with them if I
found them ... Part of me was hoping I could convince myself it was a good
excuse to start smoking again)

Anyway, in jacket number 7, I hit the jackpot .... Yes, half a pack of
smokes was in one pocket, as well as some money .... One bill ... I figured
it was a one, or maybe a five, or possibly even a twenty .... But get this
.... It was a one hundred dollar bill!! Can you believe that?

Now, I'm thinking .... Why the hell would I have a one hundred dollar bill
in my pocket? And, when was I ever in such financial peace that I would
neglect a one hundred dollar bill in my pocket and completely forget it was
there?? Well, I don't know that I'll ever have the answers to those
questions ... But here's my new question ....

What significance does this have? Is there a message here that I am
supposed to be getting? My sister says God gave me a hundred dollar reward
becuz I quit smoking ... I, on the other hand, tend to lean the other way
and think "hmmmm .... Three cartons of smokes" LOL

Anybody want to tell me what they think ?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Most of the people in the group agreed that it was a message telling me it was good that I quit .... but, I'm still doubtful LOL

Ramblings: A break from "History"

2007-01-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

I guess this blog is going to read like one of those books with lots of flashbacks, cuz I can't just write about the history of how I got to where I am today, but I need to write about today sometimes too. So, all posts that continue the "History" thread will be labeled as such and all current ramblings will be labeled ramblings .... at least until the history part is done.

This part is going to be so hard because my family is such a part of what I'm going thru now and the last thing I want to do is alienate them while I write this .... so, I'm not sure how much I will tell you about them ... if someone comes along and offers me a book deal to write this, then I'll have to reveal more .... but for now, I will reveal as little as I can about my family's private stuff .... I hope they are forgiving if I screw up ... Let it be known, right now, that I love my family (which isn't that large ... mostly it's my two sisters and my one brother-in-law and my neice and nephew and, of course, my mom) who probably could care less what I tell you about her. Suffice it to say, I will try my best to exercise some tact, which has never been my strong point.

I'm also in a long-term relationship which is on rocky ground right now ... because of all I've learned about this caregiving stuff and my need to find people in my own life who may be good to grow old with .... I'm not saying that relationship is over, becuz I love him with all my heart .... but, the jury is out as to whether we will be taking care of each other in our wheelchairs/walkers.

Mostly, the reason I'm not writing any "History" today is because I'm just not feeling up to it. One of the things about this caregiving process is it can get depressing .... and when I'm depressed, there's no way I can write detailed, factual stuff ..... actually, even writing this drivel is difficult.

So, some days I'll continue with the history of how I got where I am today, and other days I'll just post some thoughts I'm currently having or go off on some current rampage .... and, of course, other days I may not post at all. One thing I have to do, during this process, is take care of me .... and sometimes that just means staying away from the computer. Who wouldda ever thought they would hear me say that? LOL

History, Part 4: The Emergency Room

2007-01-20T13:31:00.000-05:00

Well, since I've told you how much I do not like hospitals and, especially, emergency rooms, I'll spare you all my whining and complaining about how this nite went, but instead I'll just give you a timetable:

6pm arrived at emergency room and checked mom in
6:30pm raced home to call my sister to let her know where we were
6:45pm until 8pm - sat in emergency room waiting room, nibbling on vending food and trying to read
8pm ish - mom gets admitted into emergency exam room. nurse comes in and draws a gazillion viles of blood from her and has her pee in a cup
8:45pm ish - second nurse comes in and starts taking blood again .... it's only when I mention, nonchalantly, that they are taking blood twice that she realizes that the other nurse already took it and she didn't have to do this (first duhhhhh) ... so now mom's been poked quite a bit and starting to get restless and telling me "we should go home now. I'm fine", then wandering up and down the corridor like a wide-eyed child ... holding the back of her hospital gown closed.
9pm ish - doctor stops by to chat with mom and me ... tells us he can't do anything until someone draws mom's blood and tests her urine .... I explain that's been done already (twice) and he apologizes and tells me he will be back once the tests have been run, to discuss the results
9:30pm ish - 'older sister' arrives and I fill her in on the details ... what details? we've been here almost four hours and nothing's been done.
10pm - 'older sister' sits with mom while I go looking for vending machine crackers
11pm - 'older sister' finally convinces me that I should go home to bed because I have to work the next day and she doesn't, so she'll stay until mom is either admitted or sent home, then she'll come home and stay at our house and be with mom tomorrow until I get home from work.

11:15pm ish - 'Older sister' asks at the nurse's station what's up with mom and they tell her that mom's tests haven't come back yet, so we have to wait. They also say they can't proceed until they find out what meds mom is on. Sister supplies them with that info ... why they waited this long to tell us they were waiting for this, I'll never know. Meanwhile, the doctor we did speak with earlier appears to have gone off duty.

At this point, mom's decided she's cold and removed her hospital gown and put her clothes back on. It seems like people who came to the ER after us are being admitted or discharged already, but nobody's dealing with mom yet. 'Older sister' tells me she'll wait a little longer, then ask someone what's going on.

11:30pm - I leave and go home and crash.

History, Part 3: Off to the doctor's

2007-01-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

OK ... so after I sent that last email to my sister, I told mom I was worried about her and I was taking her to her doctor. She insisted she was "fine", but I wasn't accepting that and finally convinced her to get in my car. I called the doc's office and they said to bring her right in.

We didn't have to wait too long ... fortunately the doc's office wasn't that busy. It was a Thursday nite around 5:30pm. Mom's regular doctor wasn't on duty that nite, but his son was there (son's a doc too). I've never been a big fan of doctors but mom loved these guys, so I was gonna have to get over my "attitude" and see if they could help. The son doc doesn't know my mom as well as his dad, but he has seen her many times over the past few years and, after talking with me and asking her some questions, he agreed that she was "confused". He said, "We can do all the tests here, but it will take a couple weeks and every one will require a co-payment from her HMO. So, I recommend you take her to the emergency room and they will do it all at once and you won't have to pay at all." That made sense to me, so I popped her back in the car and drove her to a hospital close to our home. (I like hospitals even less than I like doctors ... and I like emergency rooms least of all.)

After a very nasty receptionist checked us in, I tried to find a phone to call my older sister (who lives about an hour away) ... but I don't have a phone card and the damm phones in the emergency room wouldn't let me make a collect call. Mom was happily looking at the pictures in a magazine ... not really aware of what had happened or where we were, so I said to her "Mom. I have to call 'older sister' and I can't do it from here. I will have to run home to do this. You have to stay here. Do not move. I'll be back before they call you in to see you." She just nodded and said "OK. I'll be fine." I knew I had enough time because my house was only about 2 minutes away and she had at least three people ahead of her in line here.

I raced home, called my sister and got her machine, so I left a message telling her what was up and where we were. Then, I ran back to the hospital. Mom was still sitting there in the emergency room, looking around, all wild-eyed and childlike. It scared the hell out of me, I can tell ya .... this was not my mom!!

History, Part 2 - Mom starts losing it

2007-01-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

So, continuing from yesterday's post ....

Pretty much, instead of me taking care of mom, mom was taking care of me. I helped financially, but she still ran the house ... food, her own laundry, cleaning the first floor (I had the second floor and I can assure you that her half of the house was much cleaner than mine), calling repairmen, getting guys to mow the lawn or plow the driveway, etc. I really was living the luxurious life of a "husband" LOL

I started seeing little changes in mom's personality and ability to remember, but they were relatively subtle and I blew them off as "hey ... she's 89 years old ... this is normal".

However, one evening I came home from work and the subtlety was gone. I sent my sister (who lives about an hour away) an email telling her exactly what happened. Let me see if I can find that email and just copy/paste that here ..... hmmmmmm

Wow ... I did find it. It was the oldest email in my Sent Items, so I guess it was meant to be shared .... here it is:

" I'm just putting this down in writing now while it's still fresh in my head and I can remember it exactly as it happened.

I came home from work tonite after being gone about 14 hours (since 8 am this morning). When I came in, mom was watching TV and she didn't say much. I put down my things and went into the kitchen to get something to drink. When I came back out and sat down, she said "So, where are you going now?" and I said "What do you mean?" and she said "You said you weren't going anywhere, so where are you going?" I said, "I never said I wasn't going anywhere. Where did you hear that?" She looked really dazed and said "Never mind." I shrugged it off and thought maybe it was just her bad hearing.

So, we watched TV together for a while, and as usual, she kept laughing at parts of the show that weren't funny at all. Then, after the show, she asked me to "take the wood out". I said "What do you mean by wood?" She got up and stomped into the kitchen and pointed to a large bag of trash and said "There. wood" I said "Mom, are you ok?" She said "I'm all" I said "All what?" and she said "I'm all fine".

When I told her I was concerned about her she said "I know. I don't know what I'm doing." I said "How long have you felt this way?" and she said "I don't know. But, don't worry about me. I'm all"

I continued to talk to her for a while and eventually she started making more sense. I don't know if it's just that she's been alone all day and not talking to anyone that maybe she just lost it temporarily. Then, I think the worst and wonder if maybe she's had a small stroke or something?

I do know that both of us have been going thru major nicotine withdrawal and I know I'm having problems concentrating and remembering myself, so maybe this is just the 89-year-old version of this? But, actually, she did buy cigarettes the other day and I know she's been smoking a few a day now.

I'm going to see how she is tomorrow and I'll let you know. But, if she's not any better, I'm going to try to see if she'll let me take her to the doctor. Maybe, if you get a chance, you could call her tomorrow sometime ... don't tell her what I've told you ... it would just piss her off .... but maybe, if you talk to her, you can see if you think she sounds lucid.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you in, in case I do decide to take her to the doctor. Are you working yet? If necessary, could you come stay with her or take her to your place until Thursday when I can be home from work with her? I'm afraid if she has another spell like this, she could hurt herself. I have to work tomorrow from 8am til about 2:30 or 3:00. If she's no better when I get home from work, I will definitely take her to the doctor. Hopefully, it was just a passing thing and maybe she'll be ok ... but this is about the weirdest she's ever been.

I'll keep you posted...."
***********************************************

And, here's the next email I sent my sister the next day:

"I just wanted to let you know that mom seems a little better today. I'm thinking maybe it's all part of her nicotine withdrawal or something. But, I do think we need to talk soon about what we want to do when mom needs more care than I can give her. Maybe we can hire a companion to stay with her while I'm at work or something? I'm just concerned that if she's not firing all burners, she probably shouldn't be here in the house alone for long periods of time.

Maybe I can bring mom down for a visit in a couple weeks (on the weekend) and you and I can talk about possibilities. Last nite definitely made me aware that mom's age is really affecting her ability to think properly, so I think it's time to face the reality that she can't be alone as much and maybe shouldn't be driving either ... but, if that's the case, I will need help from the family in covering this cuz I sure can't do it alone.

Talk to you soon."
**************************************

And then, one more email later that day when I returned from work. My sister hadn't even read or replied to the first two yet because she has a life and doesn't spend all of it sitting in front of her computer like me:

"OK.. she's getting really weird again, so I'm taking her to her doctor now.

I'll call you when I get home."
*********************************************

To be continued ... time to help mom with her bath.

History - How I became mom's caregiver

2007-01-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

Before I start posting day-to-day, I need to give some history that explains how I got into the situation I'm in now. I'll just start telling the story for as long as I can, then will continue it in a later installment.

Let's see ... it was sometime in late September 2006 that my mom had her "stroke" .... but it was long before that, that this saga really began.

I was a psychotherapist in Vermont .... the year was 1998, I believe .... I was ending a really bad relationship and suffering from psychotherapist burnout .... needing a change of lifestyle, and my mom asked if I wanted to come to Pennsylvania and live with her. I had lived with her previously while my dad was dying of cancer, but, when he was gone, I returned to Vermont to pursue my psychotherapy career. Now, we were both alone and needing each other, so I said yes. The family was glad because mom had recently been told by the doctors that she suffered from ocular eclusion (or something like that) and she would soon be blind. Me being with her made sense, since both of my sisters had husbands/families/lives and I did not. So, I moved back here to the house I grew up in, thinking I was coming to take care of mom.

However, mom was doing great, even though she was in her eighties and had had a triple bypass when she was 70. She got around really well, was still driving, was able to handle her finances, and generally was very independent and productive. So, instead of retiring from the world to take care of my mom, I began a venture to learn about computers (my newest love) and see if I could start a new career teaching people how to use them. For the details of how I did this, it's probably better if you just go read my résumé at http://www.personal-computer-tutor.com/MyResume.htm .

And, from 1998 until 2006, I learned a lot and built a business and a reputation for myself as a computer trainer .... and mom was like my wife. She cooked for me and had dinner on the table when I got home from work. She ran errands for me when I had to be at work and couldn't do stuff. And, she was my "date" to most social functions .... graduation ceremonies at the college where I taught; birthday parties and anniversaries; Christmas parties at the various places where I worked; you name it.

Until one day when I came home from work and mom wasn't making sense .....

My newest blog - for caregivers

2007-01-17T12:29:00.000-05:00

I just set this up today, so there's no real posts yet .... but check back soon ;-)