Mom's gone

8:45 this morning, Mom peacefully passed away in her sleep ... I'm walking around and talking to people, but I feel so disconnected and empty.  Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her and hear her voice.  I don't know that I've ever missed someone this much. She was always the goodness in my life ... she was always there ... I can't imagine filling this hole I feel inside me.

Rest in peace, Mom ... you deserve it. I will always love you.

Rough night

I was awake with mom most of the night ... my older sister's been sleeping beside her for the past few nights, so we decided to let me do it again for a while ... she's been great and she deserves a rest.  Her husband wants her to come home but I'm so proud of her for standing up to him and sticking to her gut feelings ... cuz I know how awful she would feel if she wasn't here at the end for mom ... and for herself. He said he couldn't understand how she and I are able to "just watch your mom die" ... it's sad that he sees it that way, but we all have our beliefs and I try not to judge.

Anyway ... on to why I was awake so much last nite....

Mom has started this new thing ... wildly waving her arms in the air ... and she doesn't want to be touched and certainly not restrained .... and she keeps rolling her head from side to side ... she seems more aggravated than in pain, but I suppose it's a combination of the two.  But she definitely isn't happy and peaceful when she does this.  The Hospice nurse (whose been more like a family member than a professional, and I mean that in a good way ... a very good way ... she's wonderful) came here first thing this morning and we made some medication adjustments and now, thank God, she's sleeping peacefully again.  But, that was a pretty spiritual experience for me ... mom's arm waving almost looks like she's trying to hug someone or grab something and I don't see fear so I don't think she's afraid of what's ahead of her ... I see more aggravation and stress cuz she's not quite able to reach that destination yet.

So I told her she doesn't have to stay here for us ... It's OK for her to go on her way and we will take care of each other.

The Hospice people never want to tell you their opinion about how long mom will last ... but this morning when the nurse was here, she talked less about weeks and months and more about days or possibly a week.

When I was a psychotherapist and had many clients whose mothers had been horrors, I learned to appreciate my mom ... though she was in no way perfect, she was way better than a lot of others. When I was a stupid, know-it-all teenager I thought she was weak and had little respect for her ... and she thought I was this obnoxious, bossy rebel whose goal in life was to prove something to her ... thank God she and I lived long enough to see that she was right and I was so very wrong.

Heading into the next stage ...

Mom's party went really well ... she was awake for over 2 hours and really did seem to be aware that it was her party.  She even stuck her finger in her birthday cake and licked the icing.  My younger sister left the next day to go back to California ... she said her goodbye to mom since we are pretty sure she won't see her again.

My older sister is still here with me and mom and we were thinking she might go home tomorrow for a couple days ... but today we are seeing some changes in mom that make us think she may be moving into the next stage of this journey. She's waving her arms in the air a lot and she's not really fully waking up when we sit with her ... and, most importantly, she is refusing food and drink.

Fortunately, she seems very comfortable ... unless we disturb her, so we are trying to leave her alone as much as possible.  She is definitely disengaging from this world and we need to let her do that.

But, damn, this is hard.  Everything in me wants to grab her and try to pull her back into this world.

Mom's 95th birthday picture with her girls:

Gettin' ready for the party

Today, my two sisters and I are getting ready for mom's 95th birthday party tomorrow.  Her birthday really isn't until Feb 15 but we decided to have it early so she's still somewhat able to appreciate it and her friends and family can stop by to see her.

So, today is cleaning and planning ... I am SO glad my sisters are here for this ... my older sister is dusting and polishing, etc. ... and my younger sister is planning the menu ... me? I'm cleaning the toilets ... LOL ... that's my specialty, I guess.  And mom is sleeping peacefully thru it all.

I'm also coloring my hair (sitting here with the goop all over my head) ... it's time for me to once again be concerned about my image ... oh God, that's the one part of life I'm not looking forward to  entering again ... but, it is what it is and I guess it's what I need to do.

What I need to do ......  boy oh boy .... that is indeed a question that is in my head constantly lately .... who am I gonna be in the next chapter of my life?  I guess I'll just have to face that when I get there.

Just me and mom today

My older sister left to go to her house and pick up some supplies and hug her kitties (and husband) ... then tonite she will pick my younger sister up at the airport and bring her here.  So, tonite it will be the three of us ... first time I can remember when we've all three been together without mom moderating.  It should be interesting, and hopefully helpful for all of us.

Mom's still winding down slowly ... but she's very comfortable and she still seems to know us.  She's so small now that I can easily pick her up to transfer from bed to chair, but she's refusing the chair more now, so it's usually only one transfer a day.

We are still planning her birthday for this weekend, but we know we have to take this one moment at a time.

Mom's slipping away

Every day she is here a little bit less. Luckily for me, my older sister has been here with me most of the time, so we are helping each other thru this.  Part of me thinks this is the hardest thing I've ever done ... and another part of me thinks it's the greatest thing I have ever done.

Watching mom go thru this is very hard, but knowing she's going thru it in the most comfortable way we can possibly offer and knowing she's surrounded by love and good energy definitely makes it easier.

My younger sister is arriving from CA on Wednesday and we are planning an early birthday party for Mom's 95th.  I have a feeling my mom is trying to hold on for both of these events ... but only God knows if she can and I struggle daily to deal with not really knowing anything.

I'm doing OK, but occasionally these waves of sadness just wash over me. Mom is not only my mom ... she's also been my "girlfriend" for the last 15 years ... and I'm already missing her a lot.

Hospice has arrived

Yesterday was a busy day … the hospice social worker and nurse were both here for a couple hours each but now everything is set up. Mom will have a nurse come two times a week and a CNA will come 5 to 7 times a week … they said when the CNA comes, she will be here for 1 ½ to 2 hours and I can use that time to run any errands or get out of the house or take a nap or go to the movies or whatever (God, that feels so luxurious!)

They said the next few days will be kinda hectic with lots of supplies/equipment being delivered and forms to fill out, etc. It will be hard for me to have lots of strangers in my house so much, but I gotta tell you it feels like a hundred pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. My older sister came last nite and will be here with us until Monday, so she can help me deal with this new setup … she’s a social butterfly, so she will love all this hectic-ness (word? I doubt it LOL).

I can’t imagine what kind of horrors these people must see cuz all they kept telling me, over and over, is “Wow … you are so well organized” and “Gee, this house is wonderful” and “Your mom is in such great shape” … and here I am thinking my house is a total wreck, I don’t know where anything is anymore, and mom is a mess! So, it was nice to hear otherwise.

Bottom line is I don’t have to bathe mom anymore, mom doesn’t have to go to any doctors anymore, and I will never have to deal with 911/emergency rooms again! This is such a liberating experience for me!

I know that hospice being here means mom’s days on this earth are definitely numbered and that makes me sad beyond explanation … but I also know hospice being here means mom is well taken care of and as comfortable as can be expected and I will hopefully be able to keep my promise to her that she can die here in her own home.

The latest leg of mom's and my adventure ...

I haven't posted on this blog for a long time ... mainly because things were quiet here and I didn't have much to say. Lately, mom has been slowing down, so here's the latest:

I have a home healthcare nurse coming to see mom now because I need a second pair of eyes to monitor what's going on with her. They've been coming a couple days a week for three weeks. The nurse was here today and he will be coming three times a week now. Mom is no longer eating or drinking unless I literally put it in her mouth. She’s sleeping about 16 to 20 hours a day. She is almost totally incontinent and hardly talks at all. She’s on her oxygen a lot and her breathing is very labored when she is awake (though it’s fine when she’s asleep and no one seems to be able to tell me why that is … but she is definitely most comfortable when she’s sleeping so I let her do that as much as she wants). My friend came here today so I could go out and get some supplies and she told me mom looks like her mom did when she was considered “end stage”. I reminded the nurse today that one of the reasons I brought them here was so they could let me know when they feel we should bring Hospice in … he said he thinks it's time for Hospice to do an evaluation. So, we're working on that.

This is so tough to watch. My emotions are all over the place … one minute I’m hoping mom will hang on for a while, then the next minute I’m hoping she will let go. She’s really not having any fun any more.

Woohoooo ... Mom got her neck brace off two days ago. She really needed a haircut, but I was afraid to take her to the stylist, cuz they bend her neck backwards over the sink and I didn't think that would be a good idea ... so I cut her hair myself! No comments on my haircutting abilities though LOL

Mom's 94th birthday party

Imagine having 94 birthdays!! Phew ... makes me tired just thinking about it!

And the saga continues .....

Mom fell in the bathroom a couple weeks ago ... the EMTs came and said they didn't think much was wrong, but because she had a large lump on her forehead, they figured they better take her to the emergency room, because she's on blood thinners and there could be a brain bleed. So, they walked her out to the ambulance (never even put a collar on her) and I followed them to the hospital. 10 hours later, she was admitted because she had a broken neck! Fortunately, the fractures (C1 and C2) were stable and there was no brain damage, so the hospital only kept her for a couple days, then I brought her home.

We've reached a whole new level of home care now ... I have video monitors set up, so I can see her wherever she is, and my sister has ordered an alarm that will go off at night if she gets out of bed, while I'm sleeping (which I'm now doing in her bedroom with her). She keeps apologizing to me for being a "bother", but she can't understand that she would be less of a "bother" if she would use her walker, etc. In her mind, doing things on her own makes less work for me, and I can't convince her that letting me help her actually makes less work for me in the long run.

Fortunately, my two sisters have been trying to help me as much as they can ... one financially and the other more physically. The one that lives closest tries to get here to help me out every couple weeks ... so, I get a couple nights of uninterrupted sleep and can run some necessary errands ... other than that, I only get out of the house when mom goes with me. And, we've been having some brutal winter weather so mom wants to go out less and less.

But, we are hanging in there ... my mom is one heck of a trooper. Next week, we celebrate her 94th birthday!!

Oh boy, it's holiday time again

Hello out there ... yes, I'm still here ... and more importantly, mom's still here too. My caregiving duties have increased lately ... my mom's brother is in kidney failure, so I've been taking him for dialysis treatments 3 times a week ... his wife has diabetes and has been having serious leg problems with a wound that won't heal, so I've been trying to help her out too. My mom's sister had a pretty severe stroke a few months ago so she's been fighting her way back from that and my sister and I have been taking mom to see her. It feels like most of my life is spent in doctor's offices, rehab facilities, and hospitals, but I'm glad I can help them.

On top of this, I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes ... it's my own damn fault ... I've really let myself go lately, so I know I need to get my act together! So, I'm trying to get myself back on an exercise regime and start eating better. I can't wait til January 1st, so I'm making this resolution now ... wish me luck!!

Happy Holidays to all.

Mom and I are still here ;-)

I know I haven't posted for a looooong time, but I've been kinda lost in the land of Facebook games ... a pleasant diversion from reality. But, I did want to check in to let you all know that mom and I are still hanging in there. Mom just had her 93rd birthday and I'll be 62 at the end of this month (I can't believe I'm actually old enough to qualify for social security ... whouldda thunk it?)

Anyhoo ... not much to actually report, but, in our case, no news is good news. Spring is actually looking like a possibility, after one of the hardest winters we've had here in a very long time. So, I might actually get out and do some yard work today ... it's either that, or do my taxes, and I think the yard work will win.

50 Communication Tips and Techniques for Caregivers

Fiona King just sent me a link to a good article they just published at their site. I think it's important information every caregiver should know. Check it out:

50 Communication Tips and Techniques for Caregivers

It's Spring ... so what's my excuse now?

I was just outside removing all the winter debris (leaves, branches, etc.) that have accumulated in my garden and around my bushes and trees .... and I actually worked up a good sweat, raking, dragging trash cans, scooping up leaves, breaking up limbs, and so forth. I came inside feeling really good ... but then I sat here at this computer and proceeded to eat a whole bag of sesame sticks ... granted they are low fat and no salt, but there's still a whole lot of carbs in there .... it feels like I've defeated all my exercise by doing this.

And mom? This heat is so hard on her .... she went outside to sit and after about a half hour, she could hardly stand up she was shaking so badly .... I put up the umbrella on the patio but she refused to sit under it ... she insisted she was cold and wanted to sit in the sun. When she gets insistent like this, there's not much I can do to change her mind. So, now I'm sitting here feeling bloated from all the sesame sticks and she's passed out in her recliner ... what an exciting Saturday afternoon LOL

I'm heading out the door now for a long walk before I make our dinner .... let's hope I feel better when I get home.

uuummmmph

Adjusting to my lifestyle

Now that my sister is gone, I can't leave mom alone as long as I could before when my sister helped out with the mom coverage ... so I had to map out a four-leaf clover of 1-mile walks around my mom's neighborhood, with her house in the middle ... so I take these quick 1-mile walks and hopefully get all four of them in during the day so I've walked 4 miles or 1 hour ... it seems to work and I'm not away from mom long enough for her to get in trouble or worry about where I am. I hope this lasts for a while, cuz these walks are once again my sanity now that my sister is gone. And, while my sister was here, I did much too much snacking so I need to get back to good eating and exercise!

So far the news on my sister and her new life and career in Southern Cal is good. Here, Spring is in full bloom and I'm working in the yard a lot and that helps my mood.

Life is a bit boring, but at least nothing bad is currently happening ... and I pass the time getting phone calls from political candidates.

My sister has left

Man, I am so proud of my sister! The last 6 months, she has shown me her strength in so many ways ... and now, she is healed and has left today for her new career in California ... so now I no longer must caregive for her, but now it's just me and mom again ... and I'm really happy for my sister ... but it just accentuates to me how much I have given up to care for my mom ... my sister was able to get thru her struggles and get back to her life ... but I remain here without much of a social life.

I know, in my heart, that I will never regret having done this for my mom, but seeing my sister head back into the real world really makes me jealous!

I guess that's part of being a caregiver ... if you do a really good job, the people you care for will end up in better shape than you! Sooo ... I guess I just need to get back to caring for ME, while I continue to care for mom.

I'm proud of my sister for all she's done, but I guess I'm also proud of me for having helped her when she needed it most.

But, damn, I really miss her ... it was so nice, for these past 6 months, to have someone to talk to and laugh with. Today I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness.

Blog - Linda's Computer Stop: Conditional Formatting in Excel 2007

Since I haven't been blogging much in this blog lately, I figured I would show you what I've been doing. I'm trying to get my website up to date and include more stuff about Windows Vista and Office 2007 ... but, becuz mom's care takes up so much of my time, it's a slow process. Maybe if some of you caregivers are trying to find ways to work from home, my website will help train you in the use of software so you are more employable ... if so, that would make me happy. Here's a sample of one of the free tutorials I've added recently:

Blog - Linda's Computer Stop: Conditional Formatting in Excel 2007

I've been quiet for a while

I haven't posted in this blog in a while cuz this part of my life is mostly too private to share, I guess. But, I'm still here ... mom is doing well and my younger sister's head is all healed and she's leaving us in a couple weeks to move to California where she's just accepted a very good engineering job.

Me? I just had my 60th birthday yesterday and I'm still trying to get my head around that number ... but yes, I know, it's just a number.

Hope all you caregivers out there are doing OK.

Happy Holidays

Well, this year I'm happy that mom is able to enjoy another Christmas and my sister is able to drive again and is looking for a job. I'm also glad that my own health has improved greatly over the past year, since I've been eating better and exercising more (and losing weight ... YAY!!). I'm not real thrilled about some of the stuff I've had to go thru this year, but I'm hopeful 2008 will be better.

I'm with Tiny Tim and agree that God has blessed us, everyone ... I hope you all are safe and warm for the holidays.

Ho Ho Ho

Holiday times acomin'

Well, we had some good news here today ... my younger sister had a follow-up cat scan and neurosurgeon visit and he says her brain looks great ... so, for the next month, we slowly wean her off the brain numbing drugs and hope no seizures come .... if not, she'll be able to drive by Christmas and get a job in the new year ... so she's pretty happy.

Mom's doing pretty well too. She's settling into her new life which includes some new annoyances (like oxygen and a walker) but her spirits are good.

Me? Well, I'm just hoping to get thru these upcoming holidays without gaining weight! Wish me luck on that one.

Here's hoping we all have a safe and relatively uneventful holiday season.

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Getting ready for the holidays

Well, this Thanksgiving is presenting me with many challenges ... how much can mom actually do? Since mom insists she is still super woman, it's hard to figure out what her limits really are. Though she only uses her oxygen once or twice a day, her cardiologist is very concerned becuz she still only shows 15% heart function ... I'm amazed she can even walk ... but she seems to be doing relatively well. Fortunately, she is not insisting that she cook Thanksgiving dinner this year, so my older sister has volunteered to have all of us at her place for the feast this year.

Now, all I have to worry about is fitting mom, my younger sister, all of mom's oxygen gear, mom's wheelchair, mom's walker, our three suitcases, and me into my little car ... this should be interesting. And, once the big day arrives, I am hoping I won't go overboard on eating ... but hey, if I do, I guess that's what that day is all about, eh?

Happy Thanksgiving to all ... just in case I don't get a chance to write here again before then!

Happy Halloween

Well ... believe it or not, the day I brought my mom and sister back home, thinking all would be peaceful for a while, my mom goes into congestive heart failure and gets pneumonia and ends up in the hospital for three days. I am getting VERY tired of emergency rooms!! But, she's home now and oxygen is now a part of our decor, but she's getting stronger everyday.

Happy Halloween from me and my "bald" sister LOL

I hate doctors and hospitals!

I can't believe it ... my sister's MRI showed that about one third of her brain is covered in blood and the subdural hematoma is growing and what do the doctors in the hospital do? They discharge her and tell us to make an appointment for her to see the doctor in a couple weeks! So, we got a second opinion from a neurosurgeon recommended by a family friend and he took one look at the MRI and said "I wouldn't want this in my head" and scheduled Deb for surgery. She had the surgery two days ago and was recovering well, but now she's spiked a fever and they can't figure out what's causing that ... hopefully nothing major.

Trying to take care of my mom while running back and forth to the hospital has been an exhausting experience ... but, those of you out there who are caregivers know how this goes ... I'll get thru it somehow. I just hope my sister comes thru this stronger and better than ever and can get on with her life, as well as helping me take care of mom.

Prayers are appreciated!

What next?

My sister, who was supposed to be coming here to help me take care of my mom, had an "incident" two days ago (doctors still aren't sure if it was a stroke, a seizure, or what), but she kinda went catatonic on me and almost fell down the stairs ... thank God I was near her and caught her. So, she is in the hospital now (in a head trauma unit) and they are watching her. They did an MRI and she has a subdural hematoma from a previous fall and it is pretty large and does not seem to be healing, so they are considering brain surgery. I have no idea what will happen or how this is going to affect my life, so I'm in real limbo here ... but I'm hoping someone can give me some answers soon. It does feel like I'm losing more and more of my own life and I'm trying very hard to hang onto what's good for ME, but at times like this it is just so hard to focus on myself when my mom and sister are so needy. But, I promise you all that I am doing everything in my power to protect my own health and I'll hopefully be back in touch with you soon ... but right now, my days are spent running back and forth between the hospital and home and I'm too exhausted to even think much lately.

When does this end?